This has been a journey of a few months and I have written this account as my emotions have guided me over time. It is a rollercoaster of my feelings and emotions. I hope that anyone who might read it, should feel that they are not alone in when adversity knocks on their door. We all have these dark moments and I hope to show that in spite of what happens in our lives, we need to hold on and hang tough.
Feelings of uncertainty have invaded my mind. The stress is weighing me down, like a heavy anvil that I am being forced to carry but cannot really hold it. Something that is out of my control, I await the twist of my fate, with bated breath. I smile, I laugh, hiding within a mask, hoping to somehow cross this rickety bridge and get to the other side. I could fall down at any given moment, the fear constantly freezing me. The self-doubts creeping in, like a serpent coiling over me, squeezing me in a deathly grip.
Riddled with the conundrums of life, I seek answers; answers that are elusive, as if the mysteries have no intention of revealing themselves. Maybe the universe wants to spring a happy surprise or maybe its playing a sinister game. The path ahead is dark and unknown.
Always afraid of opening my heart; I take a chance. I show my true self to a kindred spirit across the distance, realising that I share a connection. In a short time, for a reason unbeknownst to me, I establish trust. Pouring my heart out, I try to feel at ease. In turn I hope my attempts at soothing this noble soul somehow work too.
Sleep eludes me. I lie in my bed, constantly pondering the dilemmas and fears that have crept on my mind. Iam afraid. Afraid of so many scenarios. Afraid of external forces trying to drive a wedge between me and my dreams. Afraid of people I trust letting me down and breaking my heart. Afraid of me being the cause of pain and heartbreak. I cannot seem to figure out if this fear is warranted or is it irrational. I end up second guessing every decision I make. This has never happened to me before. I have never lived in such fear. I cannot understand this fear. Why cannot I be carefree like I used to be? My heart is pounding, my mind is racing through a thousand scenarios.
I try to focus on work, I try to engage my mind in diverse activities, striving to live in the present. I try to express myself with writing, I read the eloquent expressions of life written by my fellow writer friends. I go out and talk to like-minded friends about everything else in the world. Somehow I traverse each day with a new hope, a new resolve to survive.
Sometimes it’s tough feeling happy or excited even. Everytime I feel happy about something, certain forces of nature sweep me up into a tornado and I find myself in another adversity. My plans have a tendency to go awry. I feel afraid to celebrate the good moments, what if another monster is lurking in the vicinity. I try to calm myself and remember the earlier turmoil and how I found my way of dealing with it. But the new turmoil threatens to tear apart my path. Normally I live and celebrate all the trivial little things of life, the small good moments. But sometimes the bad ones follow immediately, like the inevitable aftershocks following a major tremor. My sense of purpose sways, what am I doing on this Earth? What am I supposed to do?
I take a leap, a step forward and wait for my destiny to unfold. I play my part and await the hand of fate to reveal it’s plan. My heart races again, not knowing how I will land after this leap. Would I fall flat on my face? Or would I land like a professional jumper? The questions scare me again. It’s as if I am stuck between a well and a ravine. The obstacles just keep appearing. The serpent begins coiling again, tightening its grip over me.
I try to regain my composure, hoping against hope that my fears are unfounded. I think about my life ahead. This dark unknown path is messing up with my mind. I need to fight this. I need to be ok with whatever my fate has in store for me. Maybe my doom is inevitable, but I need to keep moving. I need to live the little moments. I am usually the one spreading positivity, but this time I am the one who needs it the most. Maybe I am overthinking it, I need to find a way to keep having faith that no matter where this dark path leads, I shall find my way; I shall find the light at the end of the tunnel. I shall be strong, resolute and I shall strive to have fun. I want to be stubborn, to show this universe that I can keep moving ahead despite its sinister designs. I think about my brother, all the terminally ill people; how their pain is greater than mine. I think about the people who struggle to get even one meal. The magnitude of my problems cannot be compared to those people, and, while for me, they seem overwhelming, are far lesser in magnitude. I feel strong again. Things may not work for me the way I want them to, but I still can live for the present. The serpent seems to slowly uncoil, the bridge looks sturdier, the strength and willingness to cross the dark path is renewed.
The Hindi song Jeete Hain Chal has these three very beautiful lines which keep motivating me.
Gham musafir tha, jaane de,
Dhoop ko aangan mein aane de,
Jeete hain chal.
sorrow was a traveller, let it go,
Let the sun come into the courtyard,
Come, let’s live.